Another Departure Coming Up

Awake this morning before the alarm. Why? Because having gone to sleep with the windows open and covered only by a thin sheet (it’s been so humid, Saturday night I changed beds a half dozen times seeking some relief and comfort) the frigid temperature this morning wasn’t conducive to sleep. Shades of Fundy. You know when you wake up in a tent on a cold morning after sleeping on the ground all night. It was like that. No complaints here. I needed a break. And you know I can’t wait for sweater season! Winter is my friend.

Late Thursday night a car with Quebec plates pulled into the drive. It wasn’t my landlord’s van but nevertheless I figured it must be him. Perfect timing! We need to talk about bees. Whoever was in the car went into the house. Early Friday morning the car left . . . and it hasn’t come back. Weird. Not my landlord? I need to call him. Something should be done while I am gone to the Miramichi.

Yes, I am returning to the scene of the crime later this week. My train leaves Thursday afternoon, I’ll be back on the Tantramarsh the following Thursday. I’m not making any plans for this visit . . . well, other than a road trip to Freddy on Friday and the family reunion Saturday and Sunday and a hon birthday celebration in there somewhere. But that is all. I will not be run ragged or feel like I haven’t a moment to myself on this visit. Will not over-extend myself. Need to chill and just take things day by day, so I’m not zonked on return.

FYI–when one is alone on a dark stormy night, one shouldn’t consume anything with “exorcism” in the title. Bad idea. I watched “The Exorcsim of Emily Rose” on Saturday night. Ok, so as movies go, it’s not THAT scary, not like “The Ring” kind of scary. But it’s got that “based on a true story” tagline, making it more like “The Mothman Prophecies” kinda scary, where you want to Google the hell out it after you watch it. Of course, all this is amplified when you watch it alone I’m sure. I need to watch again before delivering a final verdict on whether this is a good movie or not. And yeah, I still wanna Google the hell out of it.

Boogie wins the veto. What will Janelle do? The Evil Dr is really starting to come into his own. He is the only reason to watch the show on tv. Hopefully Erika or Diane will get the boot. Because seriously these floaters who are never going to make a move bore the crap out me. Erika is the worst. We’re four weeks into this thing and I still don’t get why people like Janelle and Kaysar. They must’ve played a different game last year or something. James is my favourite out of the seasick bunch. He’s got game. Howie is semi-entertaining in that goofy is this guy for real kind of way. I hope Will gets to the end.

Still Lukas or Dilana for Supernova. I’m rooting for Lukas of course. Shocked Phil went home this early. I liked his bobble. But more than that why the hell is that chick still in this thing?! This disturbs me. What the-?! Inside the mansion episode tonight with song selection. I think I should’ve been a rock star. Being such a creature of the night as I am, where else can I get paid fantastic money and still sleep til noon everyday? Something to thing about.

Mood: indecisive
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: A Public Affair, Jessica Simpson
Hair: ????

Cocoon Mode

I don’t know what it is, all the socializing of last weekend, all the weather related stress of the past couple of weeks, all the shock of disease in children, all of these things in combo, but I am longing to cocoon, to lock the door, turn off the computer and phone, and just lie down and watch mindless television for days. Mustn’t give in to the temptation. Must force myself to go out and get the mail, walk around to get the blood flowing, attend to email, work, blog, clean house, carry on and take care of business. It’s hard. This cocooning thing runs in my family. So does manic depression bi-polar stuff, which makes me wonder if I should get tested for chemical abnormalities, or are my up and down mood swings just normal human behaviour? How does one become one of those people who are always up? Drugs? Increased endorfins through vigorous exercise? Yoga? Meditation? Livlier background music? How?

I know you likely want an update . . . but . . . blah!

Mood: tired & sore
Drinking: coffee, french roast, fair trade, organic, double cream
Listening To: Heart Shaped Box, Nirvana
Hair: golden blonde

And So It Is

Good weekend with Trish. Details later. This morning I go to Moncton to visit our little girl in hospital. Friday all was well. Saturday Jules had diabetes. Just that quick. Shell shocked. I go bearing gifts of books and paper and crayons and pencils and pink things that spell out friendship and hope. She is doing well, proud of her strength, assuring the adults there’s no need to worry, already pricking her finger herself. She is six years old, still spinning and singing and smiling. Meanwhile her parents take turns crying, my mother and I cry when we talk to her on the phone. I cry when I talk to someone new and tell them about it for the first time. I expect I will cry when I see her. It’s hard to watch a child receive a life sentence. Yes, it could be worse. But it could’ve been so much better.

Mood: uncertain
Drinking: organic french roast with cream
Listening To: field being bush-hogged, ambulance screaming past
Hair: flippy

Who Says?

When Stacy and I were kids we used to make games. Like board games. I can’t remember actually playing these games, just the making of them. They were quite elaborate as I recall. In our pre and early teens they were curious boy/girl games designed to heat things up with those Barnettville boys. Funny to think of this tonight as I watch BB7 and think, “I could make-up a more exciting competition.”

***

I think I was 15 the first time I got my heart broke. It was the beginning of the March Break, that Friday night. He parked at the edge of the drive-way, didn’t drive all the way in. Ford LTD. But I don’t think it was the four-door burgundy one with the white front rocker panel (or is it a fender on the front end?) The LTD before that one. Two-door. I came out on the step to greet him, trailing friends, thought we were going out. Happy to be on holiday from school. Looking forward to the weekend. He fucking blind-sided me with this break-up bullshit. On my step lit up by Dad’s big-ass “not stealing anything out of the back of my truck” security light. I could see her silhouette in the car. Sitting in the middle, beside him.

Yeah, definitely, that’s the first time it happened, that terrible ache in your throat, pain in your chest, punch in the gut that just knocks the life out of you. Where you just explode into big fat tears and wracking sobs. You know what I mean, it just kills you. Your heart actually hurts. He was nervous kind of. I don’t know that he knew what to expect of me. I was a bit of a loose cannon. He was too afraid to come alone and do it, likely figured if I was gonna come out swinging she’d take the heat.

But I hadn’t seen it coming. I couldn’t react in any way. I had just been slain for the first time. This was new. With every fibre of my being I fought to maintain composure. The only thing worse than what he was doing to me would be allowing him to see how badly it hurt. It’s times like that when a crazy calm comes over me. Even to this day, it’s the same deal. I go still, jump behind the wall in my mind and stay there. Distance myself mentally from the situation. Silent. Emotionless. I’ve been called heartless, cold, and worse things, but it’s how I cope until I can get a moment to myself to digest.

The first time happened on my parents’ step under the spotlight with an audience. I didn’t cry. I didn’t say much. I didn’t hit anyone or throw the ring back in his face or anything. I just slipped it off my finger and into his palm, smiled, wished him well and went inside. As soon as I turned my back on him the tears came hard. I ran to my bedroom, slammed the door and threw myself against it, a pile on the floor. There is something beyond the ugly cry. It is blindness, electrocution, stabbing and fire all at once. You can’t sustain this state for more than five minutes without inducing death. I filled my room to the ceiling with anguish, then I got up, fixed my face and went out with my friends to pretend I didn’t really care anyway by getting drunk and fucking somebody else.

By the end of the week-long March Break she dumped him and I took him back. He never broke my heart again.

Mood: slimy
Drinking: nothing, gonna get some tea, maybe vanilla rooibos
Listening To: If He Should Break Your Heart, Journey
Hair: where’s the effing dye?

Knew It

Our girl Jenny just wasn’t Rock Star material after all. I’m starting to wonder if I didn’t have her mixed up with some other chick on that Global Canada audition show, because the girl who made such a strong impression on me had some killer smoky vocals going on I thought . . . and we never saw that at all from Jenny. I wonder if she’s too old for Canadian Idol. Cuz that Sarah McLachlan stuff would likely fly better there. So now it’s all up to Lukas to bring it home for us. No problem!

It’s eviction day in the Big Brother house. Good Lord, can someone exciting win the frigging head-of-household and actually DO something. What a snoozefest this all-stars thing is turning out to be! Can we vote Boston Rob into the house? The house guests keep saying it’s too early in the game to make a move, but damn! If they don’t do something about that Season Six thing soon . . . it’ll be too late.

Big weekend coming up. Trish lands tomorrow. We’ve got jazz, shakespeare, poetry, galleries, theatre, hauntings, cheesecake, a medieval fair and much more on tap. It’s gonna be so outta hand! Good times!

They’re talking about too high air conditioning on Ryan Seacrest. Would you rather freeze to death, burn to death or fall off a building and get your eyelids caught on two protruding nails causing your eyeballs to plop out?

Mood: silly
Drinking: coffee, french roast with cream (hmmm)
Listening To: Little Ally, On-Air with Ryan Seacrest
Hair: too banging

Why We Love the Evil Doctor

“I hope someone here is my half-brother.”

Mood: laughing my guts out
Drinking: water
Listening To: Def Leppard
Hair: a little wonky

Kevin & Joel

Clerks II opens Friday. I can’t imagine that it’ll play on the one screen in this town, but I’ve got my fingers crossed that it’ll run for a bit in Miramichi and that I can catch it when I’m through there in a couple of weeks. Chances are slim though, I might have to wait for the dvd. Clerks was genius and I’m really looking forward to the sequel. Anyway, I’m a huge Kevin Smith fan, I read his blog religiously. So today he posted an outraged (and rightly so) rant about how film critic Joel Siegel rudely disrupted a screening of Clerks II instead of just leaving quietly 40 minutes in when he decided the flick wasn’t for him. Tonight I checked back and saw the post had been updated with audio from an appearance Kevin did on Opie and Anthony where they called Joel Siegel. Funny stuff! Go read, listen. Cracks me up. But I can’t get through the Clerks II trailer without cracking up. I want one of Jay’s Got Christ? tees.

Mood: punny đŸ™‚
Drinking: water
Listening To: Undivided, Bon Jovi
Hair: dye purchased today