Not Better, Much Worse

My apartment was broken into on the weekend. I don’t know if anything was stolen. I am still in Miramichi and cannot return yet. I am stuck in Miramichi, trying to write overly optimistic crap, when my world is falling completely apart. I am homeless. I may have been robbed. I’ve certainly been violated. I don’t want to stay in that mice infested place. I don’t want to think about strangers (human) looking through all my stuff. I don’t want to think about what may be missing or what might have been touched. I don’t want to go back there. I can’t find a fucking place here!! FUCK!!!! FUCK!!! FUCK!!

My head is splitting. I’ve taken 1800mg of ibuprofen. I shouldn’t have a headache. I shouldn’t cry in the office. I should eat something. I should be writing. I just want to go to bed with my dog.

No more. Nothing else. Ok? I can’t deal. Coping mechanism is at 0%.

Mood: beyond anything imaginable
Drinking: water
Listening To: mighty convos
Hair: crazy


I may be having some kind of . . . I don’t know, emotional collapse, for lack of a better term and not wanting to toss around the very cliche and over-used “nervous breakdown.”

Perhaps I’m just exhausted. I can count this week’s hours of sleep on two hands and have fingers to spare.

Perhaps I’m just hungry. A couple of crackers and two butterfly cookies since . . . I don’t remember . . . Tuesday? Isn’t exactly nourishment.

This is a familiar feeling. This uncertainty. This foggyness. This used to be my life. I used to drift from devastation to devastation. But I thought I was done with all that. I thought I was done with sleeplessness and starvation and jumping at the slightest sound. I thought I was finished with bad nerves, and waking nightmares, and irrational thought processes. It’s been awhile. I thought it was done.

I’m hormonal. In case you haven’t guessed. Yes, “the curse” on top of all the other curses, how’d I get so lucky?

So nothing makes sense right now. I hope I’ll get on the train today and the grey cloud will lift and I’ll just be okay. I hope I’ll get some food when I get there and some sleep tonight and tomorrow I’ll be as good as new. I hope I don’t fall apart as soon as I see a familiar face. I just don’t want to cry in front of anyone. If I start, I mightn’t stop. I feel very much alone right now. Very weak. Very much a failure. I very much want to leave these feelings here. Snap out of it. Move forward. Bygones.

That is all.

Mood: —
Drinking: —
Listening To: —
Hair: —

And the Lord Said . . .

Let there be mice! Okay, Goddess Universe, I get it, you can stop anytime now. I’m moving. I’m looking for a place. I’m leaving as soon as I possibly can. No need to send any more messengers. I’m outta here! There’ll be no waiting on the income tax system to fund the trip. There’ll be no waiting on warmer weather, less icy roads. The hunt for a new home begins tomorrow when I arrive in Miramichi and ends when I find a new place. I’m listening. No need to keep banging me on the head with this. I get it.

That is all.

Mood: rattled
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: the thermostat click on
Hair: getting a wash today, if nothing else


I may as well become a nocturnal creature. Like the damned critters living in my walls. I wish I knew what it was for sure . . . without letting them into the house. Is it bats? Sometimes it sounds pretty batty. Is it mice? Or moles? Or squirrels? Or a FLYING SQUIRREL?! That would explain both the batty and rodent like behaviour patterns. Whatever. I feel like I could strangle them with my bare hands. I sleep with the tv on, trying to drown out their scratchings. I move from the bed to the futon when they seem as if they’re about to come through into my bedroom at any moment. I don’t get any rest. I just get crankier and crankier. I can’t even read. Blah! I’m tired.

Oscar nominations came out this morning. I didn’t see the announcement. And the nominees for Best motion picture of the year are: Babel, The Departed, Letters from Iwo Jima, Little Miss Sunshine, and The Queen. I have seen only The Departed and Little Miss Sunshine, both of which I loved, for different reasons. Babel plays here in March as one of the Thursday night Film Society movies. The Queen was here before Xmas, but I didn’t go. It’s playing in Miramichi now though, so maybe I’ll go this weekend. Yep, I’m going to the Miramichi this weekend. I had thought Thursday or Friday, now I’m thinking Friday . . . or Saturday. And that leaves Letters from Iwo Jima . . . not sure if it played anywhere. Maybe it will. One of my 101 Things is to see all the films nominated for Best Picture before the Academy Awards ceremony. Could this be the year for that? Stay tuned.

And that is all for . . . oh wait! Breaking news! This just in! A friend called me last night and invited me to go see a theatrical production. I shouldn’t go. I’m swamped. But I’m going. Sometimes you just have to go. So we’re going to see The Wizard of Oz. Should be fun.

EDIT at 12:25pm: By the way, George Stromboul . . . you know, the CBC guy with the really big name, said yesterday was Blue Monday, the most depressing day of the year. Did you survive? I think he was right. I nearly didn’t survive. What a frigging depressing day!! Thank God I had good ole George to explain why.

Mood: semi-discouraged
Drinking: tea, King Cole
Listening To: clackity clack
Hair: mums the word


Not a good day to begin a fast. Maybe I can do some prep to begin next week? Maybe. Yeah, that’s a solid plan. Too much on the go mental-wise at this time on so many levels to focus on such a task. It’s supposed to be a therapeutic, cleansing, even spiritual experience . . . I think I need more wits about me to reap the benefits.

Last night I missed Studio 60 so I could watch The Robber Bride on CBC. It’s one of the few Margaret Atwood books that I love. Nix that. It’s the ONLY Margaret Atwood book that I love, one of the few that I actually enjoy. The movie was a bit of a disappointment to say the least, as is usually the case with books you love being taken into film. Albeit it’s been a few years since I’ve given the novel a reading (but I’ve read it several times since I first picked it up). . . but I don’t recall the male perspective being the central focus. Why did they take a story about women and make it a man thing? The best thing about the whole movie was the casting. The casting was done well. What they did to the story, totally sucked. Did Atwood have any say in this thing at all? I think if I ever should have a work that people want to turn into movies I will be reluctant to sign away the rights and have no say. Surely you don’t have to be J.K. Rowling in order to have a say.

I need to read the novel again. Damn movie people!

So, I should’ve watched Studio 60 last night, because a) I like this show, b) the movie really pissed me off, and c) although the Studio 60 episode does air again tonight it runs opposite What About Brian . . . and I don’t miss What About Brian for anything. Sorry, Studio 60. I promise never to abandon you on Sunday night again for some cheesy made for tv movie.

This Monday night is shaping up to be a big tv night (and I need to focus elsewhere, NOT watch tv right now) with a new episode of 24 being on also. I like 24. I like it a lot. Yet, I’m not die hard loyal. If I’m working, I don’t fret about missing it. Last season I watched the first half dozen or so episodes and then fell out of it altogether. I foresee that happening again this year. It’s only a little weird. I’m only a little weird.

Mood: cranky
Drinking: water
Listening To: typing fingers
Hair: i cannot talk about my hair right now


So for awhile now I’ve wanted to do a cleansing fast. It may even be on my list of 101 things to do. I should check. There are some things on that list that I have to scratch off as impossible because they are Sackville related and I won’t have another opportunity with the move to Miramichi coming up. So, I have room for replacement items. If a fast isn’t already there, I’ll slip it in.

I kinda want to do it this week, but I’m a little concerned I won’t be able to work if I do that, so I don’t know. And I’m reluctant to give up coffee, right now. And there’s no fast in the world that includes caffeine, I’m sure. I googled and found out that basically I just need to drink water and juice. There’s all kinds of crazy stuff you can mix up to drink, and plans to follow and all that, but I just want something simple. I just want to detoxify my body. You can do a fast just on water (you need to stay hydrated) but if you do it apparently gets unpleasant very quickly and you go into ketosis. Not sure I want that. If you drink a lot of juice in your fast as well, all-natural, not artificially sweetened, the natural sugars in the fruit help bring the toxins out. Which basically means there’s a lot of crap happening in the bathroom đŸ™‚

Any fasting is supposed to have an undeniable spiritual aspect. It should help me to get centred and focus and understand some things or figure things out or . . . I dunno, I’ve never done it before. But I’m keen to try. I think shedding some poisons might be a good thing. So, either this week or next. Very soon. I suppose it depends upon when I’m going back to the river. I’ve said maybe this Friday . . . so that’s probably not enough time to do a decent fast, I’d be a wreck by the time I caught the train.

Some people do a fast with the change of every season, others do it once a year, like spring cleaning. The people who do it, swear by it, as a way to detox the body. I’m very curious about it, the difference it might make, how it will make me feel. I mean Jesus did it . . . so there’s got to be something to it, right?

Mood: pondering
Drinking: undecided
Listening To: nothing in particular, peace is a blessing
Hair: pulled off my face