To Meat or Not to Meat

plantbaseddietThe other day I had a sulky day of depression where I literally just stayed on the couch all day eating cupcakes, french fries, wieners, canned peas & carrots, and microwaved popcorn smothered in Ketchup flavoured seasoning; drinking a ton of coffee, a couple of glasses of wine and one cup of hot chocolate with an ounce of brandy added for zip; and watching documentaries on Netflix.

I had once again let my boyfriend’s flighty attitude toward life get under my skin. After this many years together you might think I would be acclimated to it by now, I would expect it and never be surprised by anything, but you would be wrong. My recovery might be quicker when I’m blindsided, but I still get blindsided.

Anyway, I don’t want to write about why I had taken to the couch for the day because the more important thing is that while I was sulking and stuffing my face with crap, I wasn’t watching mindless sitcoms or cartoons, I was watching documentary films about things that matter, things that get me thinking, things that give me insight and energy and ideas. I watched 10 Questions for the Dalai Lama, GMO OMG, Happy, and finally Forks Over Knives Presents: The Engine 2 Kitchen Rescue. Continue reading “To Meat or Not to Meat”

Return to Me

“What you think and what you feel and what actually manifests is ALWAYS a match – no exception” — tweet from Manifest Mastermind

I’ve been thinking a lot about this concept in the last two days. I’ve been trying to figure out what went wrong. Why do I feel so out of control and like most of my life is falling apart? It’s no secret to my family that I’ve been malnourished.

Continue reading “Return to Me”

More Than a Feeling

When you’re not feeling the very best or you’re self-doubting or feeling insecure, affirmations really help. You know, just writing down “I’m having a great day!” or “I love myself!” over and over on a piece of paper is enough to swing your mood, change your mind, make you feel better. If you stand in front of a mirror and say it out loud, even better. It works! Try it.

So, it’s the night before the full moon (thank the goddess it’s almost over!) It’s a Saturday night on the weekend of a full moon, the worse night to be out and about at a club. I know this from personal experience. It’s been well documented. Yet, tonight the Mighty Crew is heading out for an excursion at a club. We’re not staying late. Hopefully we’ll be long gone before any craziness ensues. Well, craziness can ensue, might even be interesting, but just as long as none of the crew get sucked into said craziness. That would not be fabulous! And we’re out for a fabulous time!

Mood: i’m having a great day! 🙂
Drinking: . . . i’d rather not say . . .
Listening To: i’ll be there for you, bon jovi
Hair: a whole lot blonder, tho nobody seems to notice

Best Days of My Life

There’s something about listening to Bryan Adams Reckless album that puts the butterflies into my belly. In particular the songs “Summer of ’69,” “One Night Love Affair” and “She’s Only Happy When She’s Dancing.” That was the album to get for Christmas in 1984. I was 15 years old.

Was that the Christmas I had chicken pox? No, I think that was the first year R and I went together. Was that the Christmas I got my ghetto blaster? Maybe. It’s quite possible. Was that the Christmas I had a party with my friends in the basement, and we played twister, and wrote and drew pictures on a big mural, and drank too much beer, and ate pizza, and someone puked on the cement floor? Yes, yes, I think it was.

I remember being upstairs in the kitchen, putting something in the garbage can under the sink and just slowly tipping over, slumping to the floor and being unable to stop laughing, just sitting there and laughing with the tears streaming down my face, Mom trying to help me up, but me laughing too hard, and Mom getting angry because I was apparently plastered drunk (though it wasn’t that, I was stoned obviously).

I remember Mom growling R for letting me get that way, and him throwing up his hands, like he ever could’ve stopped me or got me to slow down . . . or got me to do anything, for that matter. That was the first clue that I couldn’t and shouldn’t smoke dope, though I didn’t know it at the time.

Listening to Bryan Adams takes me back to the beginning, when everything was still brand new, being 14 and 15 and experiencing everything for the first time. Every day held some new adventure or excitement. Life was so unpredictable and random. I never knew from one moment to the next where I would be or what would happen. I was the girl who was up for anything . . . once. I blew whichever way the wind blew, changed my mind every second. If you looked up reckless in the dictionary you should find a picture of me. And I stayed that way for a really long time. Though in your 20s, unpredictable random adventures equal drama, and drama grows tiresome in an adult world.

I guess I’m still that girl, but I don’t need those Bryan Adams reckless kinda butterflies anymore. Now, I have new and improved butterflies. I get them in springtime when a new season is born with endless possibility and opportunity. I love this time of year. I get them when I meet new fabulous people that I know will be in my life for a long time and probably forever. I get them when I count my blessings and feel so lucky and grateful for every second of my life, my family, my friends. I still feel like everyday is an adventure, like anything could happen, everything is possible, and situations change in an instant. These are my butterflies now. I’m excited about my life, everyday. And yes, I’m still the girl that can wake-up with one plan and find herself in a completely different place by the end of the day, but when you’re excited about your life and focused on opportunities and being true to yourself, and not mindlessly following every whim, the universe delivers something more uplifting.

Mood: excited
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: yellow submarine, the beatles
Hair: ch-ch-chan-changes coming

Here We Go Again

And though time goes by I will always be in a club with you in 1973 . . . it’s more like 1988 or 1993 or 1997 in my case, but I get the sentiment. James Blunt gets me with this song, makes me melancholy. It’s unusual for me to get so sentimental. But seriously I tear up every time I hear 1973. It takes me different places with different people. People who are no longer part of my life, who I will likely never see again, and who I’ll certainly never be close to again. And yeah, there are lots of people who I’m ecstatic to never have another conversation with for as long as I live, and there are many moments with many people that I’d just as soon forget . . . but there were some good times too. Some really great times.

When I was younger I didn’t appreciate these moments. In the way of most young people I just thought things would go on forever. Moments came and went and I didn’t savour them, I didn’t pause to enjoy being in them, they were just blips on my way to somewhere else. Always moving. Ok, that was great, but what’s next? I never once thought this might be the last time I see this person or this might be the last kiss or this might be the last time we make love. If I knew it was the last, surely I would’ve cared more. I would have committed the moment to memory in greater detail. Wouldn’t have I?

Live and learn.

I’m so in the moment now, it’s difficult to plan ahead. I’m just so conscious. I have been. Years now. When things are happening, I know all I have is right now. I close my eyes and let the feelings wash over me. The way his arm brushes mine as we stand close. The cool breeze on my face, bringing the fresh scent of the season. The way my hair falls into my eyes. That nervous giggle. The way the light shimmers on our hair. The way the music makes me sway just a little. In a second my mind imprints everything to memory and I grin. No matter what happens tomorrow or next week or even in the next five minutes, this moment is perfect and I’m happy and I’ll never forget.

These aren’t the moments I get melancholy and sentimental about. I only get sad about the ones that passed without me being fully in them. Some people say you should take pictures so you’ll never forget. Yes, pictures are nice too. But I have those and they don’t help. Even in the photos I’m not fully present. My strongest memories, the ones that bring a smile to my lips, that can take me back and allow me to once again feel the joy and happiness of that time, are the ones where I consciously looked around and said to myself, “This is my happiness and I will treasure it always.” There are no photos to remind me, no videotapes or sound recordings. Just me, being there and understanding the significance.

So many times I have put off doing things, or decided to wait for better timing. Nearly always these things end up being my regrets. I don’t have many regrets, I tend to be of the school of thought that everything that has happened has shaped me to the person I am today and without those experiences I might be someone else I don’t like nearly as well. I have never regretted any of the things I’ve done, no matter how terrible, traumatic or stupid those decisions might have been. My only regrets are things I didn’t do. I look back and think if only I’d known that was my only opportunity or that I’d never see that person again, I would have gone for it. I would have squashed any of my fears that held me back and I just would have went for it. So I try to do better. I don’t like having regrets. I try to stay in the moment. Yes, I get off-track sometimes. It’s always easier to allow your fear to win. It’s never easy to feel very afraid and vulnerable but push on anyway. It’s hard! But that’s when the good stuff happens.

Sometimes I need to remind myself of this.

Mood: philosophical
Drinking: coffee (i’m too lazy to grind the good stuff . . .)
Listening To: the city destroyed me, nathan wiley
Hair: damp, long and loose

Fuel of Achievement

Listening to Brian Tracy this morning as he speaks about the fuel of achievement.

Determine all the reasons why you want the goal, Brian says before quoting Nietzsche: “A man can bear any what if he has a big enough why.”

If you want it badly enough, you can overcome anything. When you set yourself a goal, the universe will sometimes throw everything at you that it can in order to deter you from getting where you want to go. But if you want it enough, you’ll stick to your guns. If you have a lot of reasons why you want this thing, a lot of things you’re going to do when you achieve this goal, then you will stare down any obstacle and overcome. This is so true. I recognize it in my own life, in the things I’ve quit and the things I’ve fought for, in the obstacles I’ve overcome and the challenges that I gave up on.

So, he says to make a list, an actual physical list on paper. He uses the word spiral notebook and of course my heart goes all aflutter! Any excuse to crack open another new spiral notebook! But seriously. If I only have three reasons to be successful at my work and make more money, then I won’t try very hard, will I? And at the first sign of an obstacle I’ll be throwing up my hands and throwing in the towel. But if I have hundreds of reasons, thousands of reasons, a spiral notebook full of reasons, I’ll be a force to be reckoned with. Think about it. Make a list.

Mood: philosophical
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: brian tracy
Hair: kinda sorta in my eyes

Unruly Tenants

So achy breaky bone tired today. Damn dampness! It’s one of those days when I just want to go back to bed and stay there, until tomorrow. Instead, I’m heading to the office for a meeting. No amount of coffee is going to whip me into alertness, methinks.

Last night there was a girl standing beside the guard rail at the cliff on my back lawn, screaming. I mean SCREAMING! And singing like some bjork song or something. Like singing to the heavens, flailing her arms, flinging herself around. Quite a big girl, no older than early 20s I’d say, perhaps a teenager, barefoot in the rain in the grass, wearing a pentecostal denim skirt midway on her calves, long hair held back in a bright canary coloured headband. She stayed out there screaming and singing and wringing her hands for about 30 minutes. It was bizarre. No idea whether she lives here or not. Did not really look like a summer solstice ceremony . . . no idea what she was all about.

Read an interesting analogy today. Our bodies are like apartment buildings and all our negative self-defeating thoughts and behaviors are tenants in the building. In fact they’ve been there longer than anybody else. They’re comfortable living in our building. They throw loud parties and eat pizza and drink tons of beer. They destroy our property. No respect for our building whatsoever. Yet, we’re the landlords, we want to protect our investment, protect our property. We have to throw those nasty tenants out and make room for some different tenants who will take good care of our apartment building. It’s not easy to get rid of the unruly guys though, they’re pretty settled in, been there a long time. They’re not gonna move out without a fight. But as the landlord, ultimately, what we say goes, so we’ve just gotta be diligent and see the fight through.

Nice analogy I thought. Makes sense. Give ’em the boot!

Mood: exhausted
Drinking: water
Listening To: summertime, bon jovi
Hair: i don’t wanna talk about it